20 Things Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear & Why That’s Total Bollocks

Someone linked to this article on Facebook today: “20 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30”.  Yes, fellow humans, the omnipotent Kallie Provencher from shallow-as-a-puddle website Rant Chic has bestowed upon us twenty rules for those too stupid to consider the impact our terrible dressing might be having on the world.  Did you know that kitten heels cause global warming?  That snoods are directly linked to cancer?  That every time someone wears leggings as trousers, a baby panda dies?

Actually it’s all just because “women over 30 should know” that these items are like totally not cute any more, mega LOL, sorry, I mean, delicate giggle.

Items on the list include crop tops, Abercrombie & Fitch (all of it), dirty trainers, mis-matched socks, furry boots and short dresses.  Good GOD.  Do you even KNOW what will happen if you wear a miniskirt beyond the age of 30?  THE MOON WILL CRASH INTO THE EARTH AND WE WILL ALL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS.  I think she’s pretty irresponsible even putting these ideas into people’s heads in the first place.  Now people will read the article and think “ooh, crop tops!” and buy them age 29 (this is ok, FYI) but maybe keep them in their wardrobes post-watershed and then the moon will inch a little bit closer, the tides will go all skewiff and basically Kallie will be singlehandedly responsible for the destruction of the planet’s ecosystems.

Screw you, Kallie.  I don’t even wear sparkly trousers now but I’ll bloody well start wearing them the day after my 30th birthday this December.  Along with oversized leopard-print sunglasses (which I intend to buy specially) and the non-matching socks I own which are not only non-matching but intended to be non-matching.  And not only THAT, but they were bought for me by MY OWN MOTHER.  Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  Oh, and I’ll wear hoop earrings too; perhaps the glitter-encrusted hoop earrings I wore on Saturday. That’s right, two in one.  And they’re fuchsia.  FUCHSIA.  Did I mentioned they’re covered in glitter?

I love worn-out plimsolls.  I prefer them scuffed up, which is good, because when I buy new ones I wear them whilst cycling and they get filthy after three minutes.  But this is bad because “If you can’t afford a new pair, then it’s time to reevaluate life as a 30-year-old.”  But Kallie, what if I have more important things on which I choose to spend my money?  Like electricity and property?  I wish I’d know that it’s more important to own new trainers before I’d renewed my mortgage.

Oh, and here’s an excellent piece of advice.  Platform flip-flops are a no-no for literally everybody on earth because “There’s nothing cute or sexy about platform flip-flops”.  This, as we all know, is the only basis on which women choose their clothes.

American Eagle is also banned. “Sure, their jeans fit perfectly, but that doesn’t make it trendy for women over 30 to be wearing them.”  Er, why?  They fit perfectly but we’re . . . what . . . not allowed?  According to whom, exactly?  And sorry – my tiny female brain forgot – are we more concerned with being “cute and sexy” or “trendy”?  Because as any true fashionista knows, these are rarely the same thing.  So which is it?  Should we 30-somethings worry about being admired by superficial women, or superficial men?  Sorry, could you repeat that?  I’m struggling with this classy pair of dungarees (cinched at the waist) and didn’t catch what you said.

I know that it doesn’t matter.  Her article is just one ignorant collection of words in an under-visited corner of the internet, just as my response is one furious blog post in another.  But every time we spew this garbage, every time we as women judge our fellow women for their clothing choices, every time we waste our energy reading about how to dress appropriately for our age instead of how to treat our fellow humans with respect, how to help the environment, how to teach gender equality to our children, society slips that little bit further.  It seems meaningless but it isn’t.  Because if one 31 year old woman skims that article and suddenly feels self-conscious about her painstakingly applied glitter eyeshadow, worn for no other reason than it brightens her day, and stops wearing it, then that article has done its damage.  She didn’t harm anyone with her glitter eyeshadow.  But just like that, she’s lost her means of self-expression, her confidence, her individuality: all thanks to someone who arbitrarily declared what she could or couldn’t wear.

And yes, there will be plenty of women who – like myself – will read it and scoff, or be infuriated, and even vow to wear more of the clothes that are deemed unacceptable.  But there will also be those who are indoctrinated and influenced by society’s definition of “acceptable” – who will fear that wearing the wrong thing will render them sexually unappealing to men, and indeed that what they wear is the single most important part of their attraction.  And they won’t stop to consider that perhaps the man of their dreams is not interested in an identikit woman wearing the clothes she has been told are acceptable but a woman with scuffed trainers and glittery hoop earrings, who know who she is and isn’t afraid to express it.

Look Kallie, I’ll give you a little hint.  “By this age, women should know” is never a good way to start a sentence, unless it’s “women should know that their true value is invested not in the clothes they choose to wear but the impact they leave upon society and the world through their actions and personalities” or “women should know to look both ways before crossing the road”.

Or perhaps “Women should know never to tell another woman how to dress, not least when half the items they discuss refer specifically to the way they appear to the opposite gender and how attractive they appear”.  Women should know that rocket scientists can wear disco pants, neurosurgeons can wear crop tops, good listeners can wear furry boots, lovers can wear dungarees, and activists can wear hoop earrings.  Women should know that what they do, and what they say, is so much more important than what they wear.

And women should know never take advice from a random article on the internet.  Except this one, obviously.

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24 Comments

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  1. I am so glad that I found this. I just saw the “list” and was so irritated, until I then found your blog. After I looked up the other author and found that she was indeed just nonsense. I’m definitely going to follow you, we think so alike! Now I must go, I have to put on my sequined mini skirt with my new “Noel” shirt and my fur lined (seriously!) UGG boots bought in Sydney. And I will rock the whole outfit. Oh and my jacket has fur on it. 🙂

    • Hi Karen, thanks so much for reading and commenting, and I’m so glad you’ve decided to follow my blog! I’m really happy you enjoyed the post. I can’t believe people are still trying to tell us how to dress and what to wear in this day and age, although I’m thankful that so many people (like your good self) are as horrified as I was. I’m also very jealous of your fur-lined boots right now, my feet are bloody freezing.

  2. Hi! I was infuriated after reading that stupid article and the first thing I did after reading was google the author so I can go tell her to STFU, but I was delighted to find your blog. How the hell is she going to tell ladies over 30 that they can’t wear graphic print shirts? I guess us old ladies need to throw out all of our favorite t-shirts and replace them with plain, solid t-shirts from the dress barn. Currently I’m wearing a graphic printed t-shirt(with a CAT on it), mis-matched socks and a knit cap that looks like a raccoon face. I’m in my mid-30s and I’m going to continue to wear whatever the hell I want, like I should.(And everyone else should continue to wear what they want, as well!) Screw these age and gender based fashion rules.

    • I’m really glad my article helped, Jenny! And I’m glad to see it struck a nerve with far more people than just me. It’s astonishing that so many people like this author think they have the right to police other people’s clothing choices but it’s reassuring how few agree with her!

  3. I JUST read Kallie’s article and was so stoopified by her horrible, horrible list that my coworker and I were trying to find her on faebook just to let her know how incredibly insulting and obnoxious her article was… sorry to be a dick but she’s a complete douche…. first off women in their sixties look amazing in leopard trench coats, and overalls were back in a big way this season, Rachel Zoe LOVES a fur vest, crops tops with a high-waisted skirt are super adorable! I’m 32 and I wear unmatched Halloween socks almost every day cause that’s how I like to celebrate life on a daily basis so suck it Kallie Provecher and get a new career cause your writing is sh*t….

  4. I JUST read Kallie’s article and was so stoopified by her horrible, horrible list that my coworker and I were trying to find her on faebook just to let her know how incredibly insulting and obnoxious her article was… sorry to be a dick but she’s a complete douche…. first off women in their sixties look amazing in leopard trench coats, and overalls were back in a big way this season, Rachel Zoe LOVES a fur vest, crops tops with a high-waisted skirt are super adorable! I’m 32 and I wear unmatched Halloween socks almost every day cause that’s how I like to celebrate life on a daily basis so suck it Kallie Provecher and get a new career cause your writing is sh*t…. Glad I found your rant! loved it!

  5. Wow I am in total agreement with ypu i actually went looking to see how old this girl was. I thought her article was complete nonsense and in fact all of them are. Why is she being paid to write.

  6. I looked her up on Facebook and she has a posted selfie of her in a bedazzled tank and another one with a neon cheetah print sweater. She definitely looks over 30 and if she’s blogging about being over 30, I bet she is. She broke her own rules.

  7. Oh my goodness… YES to this!!! I was just searching for articles which tell you what you shouldn’t be wearing beyond the age of 30 to use as examples on a blog post I’m currently writing. I stumbled upon your post and just loved it to pieces. This is me. Wearing the teenager boots, glitter, short denim shorts, metallic miniskirts, piercings… basically whatever, because I AM over 30 (34 tomorrow) and bloody well know who I am and what I want to wear!

    I will confess that I wrote a blog post about wearing leggings as trousers, largely because I’m fairly certain that nobody wants their bums on show to the world, and they’re probably fairly oblivious that this is happening.

    Anyway, I just had to tell you how much I enjoyed reading this, and wanted to give you a virtual high five… *high five*. (o:

    • Hah! Love it – thank you so much Fiona! I send that high five right back to you 🙂 Along with a big “happy birthday”!! I sincerely hope you are covered head-to-toe in glitter and not unintentionally. Keep rocking that metallic miniskirt!

      • Thanks Robyn!! I will be donning some glittery eyeliner a little later (as we’re going to the garden centre, and one must wear glitter to the garden centre). I’m also wearing the teenager boots (white DMs). I stalked your blog fairly hard last night, but didn’t have time to make more comments. I will return though!

  8. I love this. You. These articles are ludicrous. Especially when written by a kid who’s never been over 30. Hopefully they’ll learn, but until then I’m glad we have posts like yours.

    • Thank you very much, Kate! I really appreaciate your kind words. It’s so important to counteract these bonkers assertions with reminders of what’s important in this world!

  9. You shouldn’t wear those things and shut the fuck up about what other women should or shouldn’t wear. We have enough with all the machos trying to keep us down. We are not going to tolerate now other female telling us what are we allowed to wear or stop wearing. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

    • I’m slightly confused by this comment but I’m going to assume that you’re telling the author of the original piece to shut up rather than me . . . ?! In which case my reply is simply “Absolutely!”

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